I don't believe in astrology #9
A newsletter in five parts (including the insight of the year) ✨
Part 1: Apologies
The Cold Moon was bad and Christmas was worse, at least for me and many close to me. I predicted it would be nothing to fear, and wow, was I wrong! Hopefully most of you had an easy holiday, and you’re still living in the extended vacation until New Year’s.
Really makes you doubt astrology, right? Me too.
Part 2: Bragging
I wrote a piece for InStyle on the “6 Times the Moon Is Really Going to Mess With You in 2019.” I figured since we had such a rough 2018, we’d be rewarded with an easy year—but no.
On the pro side, no Mars ♂ or Venus ♀ retrograde all year!
Quick prediction: January ‘19 is going to be very Aquarian, even though it’s mostly a Capricorn month. What that means is that there are two eclipses (one of which is a blood moon again) and Uranus is doing direct. That means abrupt change is coming, and it’s going to get weird really fast.
I am ready for that. Change always looks good to me because as an optimist (and an Aquarius rising), I can’t imagine that new will be worse than old.
That is often wrong, but feel free to boldly and foolishly proceed into the future. After all, we have literally no choice…
Part 3: More substantial bragging
I want to acknowledge a few milestones reached this year, since that’s the nature of New Year’s (and Capricorn season). And because my solar return had Jupiter on the midheaven (means career is popping), I have a lot to report.
Last month this newsletter broke 1,000 subscribers! It was a huge goal, and I want to thank everyone who ever read one word of this project! I truly love writing about astrology, and even though I am always worried it’ll bore me someday (as a Gemini, this is a valid fear), so far (33 years) it has not. It’s just the right mix of science (very little) and story (very a lot) to keep this fickle bird into it. Cheers to more! 🥂
I wrote 67 stories for PureWow alone (so far).
I’ve had 3 humor pieces in the The Belladonna, which has created an incredible community of writers, and its editors wrote the funniest book of the year, New Erotica for Feminists, based on their viral McSweeney’s piece of the same name.
Vulture let me write a huge feature on stand-up comedians and astrology.
Janice Magazine published one of the cutest pieces I’ve ever written about memes.
I wrote about where to summer during July’s blood moon for Points in Case, and I believe it all applies for the upcoming one in January.
Change of pace, but Business Insider ran my Q&A with Linda Zhang, an asset manager focused on sustainable and ethical investments, because my day job is in strategic financial communications, and I don’t know if anyone would realize that based on this newsletter! 💸
I became a contributor to Reductress.
Weekly Humorist ran a fun sketch mash-up of Silence of the Lambs and Facebook that still tickles me.
And as I said, InStyle published my harrowing forecast of all the scary moons next year.
I wrote tons of astrology, some humor, some essays, and a fair amount of Trump erotica on my Medium page.
Jupiter is still on my midheaven until June 12, 2019, so I’m riding this wave as long as I can!
Part 4: Insight of the year ✨
Now that I have accomplished something, I am worried about losing everything. Here’s how I conquered that fear.
I thought about my wins this year and felt happy.
Then I thought, “What if no one ever publishes me again?”
“What if everything good is because of Jupiter and not because of me?”
“What if my luck runs out and no one ever wants to hear from me again?”
“What if writing comes to feel like a chore and editors can smell the defeat on me?”
Then I thought about getting older.
I’m 33, which isn’t old. But the specter of invisibility looms over every woman who dares to live another day.
“What if everything I make is dumb and irrelevant and no one cares?”
Then I started to picture myself, more gray-haired than I already am, softer and wrinklier, bags under the eyes a little deeper. And no one wants to listen to her. She’s not even a failure. She’s just in the way. A nothing. Death before death.
And I got really sad.
And then I asked myself this question.
“Can you ever imagine not being funny?”
“Nope.”
I immediately felt better. I’ll be fine. We can be fine.
Instead of a New Year’s resolution, I have this.
Part 5: What even was 2018?
In the year 2018…
We cared about stand-up and solo shows.
We all switched from TinyLetter to Substack.
We illustrated as much as we Photoshopped.
We still liked a higher rise on our jeans.
We still do memes — but for how long?
We still used a lot of emojis.
We were thankful for our exes.
We pivoted away from video.
We said “it me” too much. (Any utterance was too much.)
We just accepted ’s for the possessive of nouns that end in s. Like Jesus’s. Horrifying and wrong.
We still used Oxford commas (and you know I do in this letter because I am the boss of it).
We didn’t agree on how to write the word “okay” (some publications use “OK” or “O.K.,” but it doesn’t stand for anything, so…)
We had long hair.
We stopped believing in men.
We all believed in astrology.
But will we still believe in astrology in 2019? Probably, but I have to look it up in the stars.
See you next year with January horoscopes if you’re a paid! 🎉