Did you know that there’s a full moon in Gemini tonight at midnight (Eastern)?
Gemini, the sign of “talking shit is therapy.”
Gemini, the sign of “I shouldn’t be telling you this, but let me tell you this.”
Gemini, the sign of “I’m sorry, but I also meant every word.”
And it’s Thanksgiving, the holiday where everyone is obsessed with whether or not they are going to fight with their uncles. Uncles are ruled by Sagittarius, the opposite sign of Gemini. So here we are, at war with our uncles, cosmically-speaking.
Oh, and Mercury is in retrograde.
Now that I’ve scared you, let me calm you down. Besides, it’s too late. As soon as I hit send I’m sitting down to fight with my extendeds, too.
So here’s my quick and actionable advice for everyone:
♈ Aries: Try not to talk today because you may say horrible things.
♉ Taurus: You are not under attack just because people are eating off your plate.
♊ Gemini: You only like yourself right now. That’s why you’re being so selfish.
♋ Cancer: Hide in your room or take long bathroom breaks to sneak in alone time.
♌ Leo: Stop texting your friends when you’re supposed to be spending time with your family.
♍ Virgo: Stop answering work emails when you’re supposed to be spending time with your family.
♎ Libra: Stop Instagramming everything, no one cares.
♏ Scorpio: The real reason you’re so jealous is because it’s Sagittarius season now.
♐ Sagittarius: Your partner is not the enemy. Marriage is.
♑ Capricorn: I know you think you’re clever for dieting today, but everyone else thinks you’re exhausting.
♒ Aquarius: If you’re not in the middle of a breakup, you’re probably fine today.
♓ Pisces: You’re homesick even though you’re home.
Happy Thanksgiving! This year, this horrible year, I’m grateful for the art of astrology, which has empowered me with a lexicon for larger-scale bullshit than I could have ever dreamed.
Also, yes, my in-depth horoscopes actually are coming for the paids.
Love you, turkeys!