The end of paid monthly 'scopes

This is 100% the Worm Moon and Mercury retrograde doing GOOD things 🌕

🚨 This newsletter is moving (back) to an all-free model! 🚨

Image result for ren and stimpy gif

I am giving everyone who subscribed for March a refund for the monthlies I didn’t deliver, and I hope you’ll stay on for the free issues, which will not only continue to feature my usual analysis, but will offer some higher-level ‘scopes. I’ll be paring it down to the really important stuff that I would warn my sister about. But you don’t have to do anything—the refund will be automatic, and then you’ll get the free issues.

The reason: I hated writing them, and that’s why it was such a drag every month. That’s why I charged for them! But I am not doing this newsletter for money, or even for discipline. I am doing it for absolute pure true LOVE, and so I’ve got to get rid of what I don’t. 💖

When I’m dreading an assignment, my workflow is the following chaos:

Assignment —> Excited brainstorming —> Pump up to music and imagine doing the work —> Text everyone —> Make tea (Aveda tea is the best) —> Clean everything + do laundry —> Think about other projects now that this current one is done in my head —> Open every single other Google doc than the one I’m supposed to —> Make progress on projects no one asked for or cares about —> If I’m really procrastinating hard, demand feedback from others and get into a whole thing —> Do squats or push-ups or improvised choreo —> Think seriously about performing it in public —> At midnight, start something real —> At 1:30 a.m. decide that sleep is so important (and it is) —> Set my alarm for 6 a.m. —> Sleep through it —> Brainstorm in shower —> Brainstorm on subway —> Write at 10 a.m. during work —> If I finish, finish at 6 p.m. that day.

All work requires neglecting other work. I have to be disappointing someone. So I am de facto going to make at least one boss happy that I’m abandoning this particular commitment.

Is this because of astrology?

Yes. Three things are causing this, or at least, that’s what I would say if I believed in astrology. (And I’m saying it because I do.)

  1. We’re approaching a full moon, the Worm Moon, on March 20th, concurrent with Aries season. This one is in Libra, and it may cause a serious rupture with business partnerships and ventures. In my case, it’s hitting my PUBLISHING sector(!!!), and, like all full moons, it’s clearing out the weakest link. I hate the discomfort of disappointing people, but I love moving on when I know it’s the absolute right direction. This is the best possible full moon break-up.

  2. Mercury is retrograde in Pisces, hitting up my financial and values sector, which is causing me to re-think plans already in motion, particularly ones to do with income. What do I really value and where do I put my time? What pays me and rewards me? Not March horoscopes!

  3. Uranus just moved into Taurus, which, for now, is in my house of COMMUNICATION AND WRITING, and is forcing me to be realistic about all my mad designs.

Uranus in Taurus horoscopes for everyone!

🎯 As a little bonus—and because I want to emphasize that we are collectively standing at the precipice of a new era—I spelled out how Uranus moving in Taurus, which began on March 6th, will specifically fuck up everyone’s life in the below mini-horoscopes. It’ll be in effect for the next seven years, so don’t worry if nothing happens right this second. It’ll happen. 🎯

Related image

♈ Aries: Money and Values

Taurus is the sign of income and possessions, and so Uranus is likely to inspire a re-think for you, Aries. Expect to change jobs or pursue other avenues of income. You also may want different things, like more time off vs. money.

♉ Taurus: Self and Independence

You will likely feel this transit the most profoundly, Taurus. Although Taureans rarely change, you may undergo a full reinvention of self. The challenges will be external, but the revolution is within you.

♊ Gemini: Vulnerabilities and Fears

Prepare yourself for insights you didn’t ask for that will require quiet reflection to process. The pressure will be on for you to listen to your unconscious mind. Geminis are talented at buzzing from thought to thought, but you need to focus now.

♋ Cancer: Friends and Groups

You will meet and befriend people you never dreamed would be part of your inner circle. At the same time, you may feel alienated from your old communities. Not only will you change you who associate with, but how you see your role in a group.

♌ Leo: Career and Fame

The entire trajectory of your career could shift, and you will succeed if you embrace the new direction. You could become very influential or in-demand, just not for the reasons you imagined. Be open to new ways you can contribute to society.

♍ Virgo: Travel and Education

You will likely travel to parts of the world you’ve never seen before, and other cultures will influence your thinking and tastes more than they ever have. You could also go back to school, either for a degree or for fun.

♎ Libra: Sex and Desire

The things you once envied will change. You could uncover latent ambitions you had never considered, like wanting to lead a company or not wanting to have children. Exploring new sexual desires has the potential to be healing, transformative and very, very fun.

♏ Scorpio: Marriage and Partnership

You may get married or commit to someone unusual or eccentric. This relationship will be very different from ones in your past, and letting go of previous grudges or trust issue will be key to your success.

♐ Sagittarius: Health and Work

It’s a new era for your body and its daily habits. You could take up lifting or running, become a night owl if you’re an early bird or quit a long-standing habit or addiction. You may change jobs, and perhaps enter a new line of work.

♑ Capricorn: Dating and True Love

You could meet and begin dating someone strange and delightful, who shakes loose a lot of creativity and joy from within you. They may inspire new hobbies or influence your artistic output.

♒ Aquarius: Home and Hearth

Be slow and methodical when it comes to all matters regarding your home, whether you’re renting or buying. You may move more than once during this period. Feelings of homesickness may pervade, but a new environment will nurture you.

♓ Pisces: Thoughts and Communication

You may embrace new philosophies or practices, and potentially learn a new language. If your interests have been scattered, expect to go deep on one or two subjects, possibly even joining communities and meeting new friends that way.

Are there bad placements?

Why yes, there are... 😈😈😈

People sometimes ask if they have a “bad” chart or if there are “bad” placements. I see a lot of sweet baby astrologers online answer unequivocally that there’s no such thing. Every chart, every placement offers an opportunity for goodness or badness, these sweet baby astrologers say, and our choices always matter, and there’s room for evolution, and so on, and it’s beautiful.

I agree with all that in a larger sense, but I have to tell you, there are bad placements.

Image result for i'm not bad i'm just drawn that way

I’ve wanted to talk about this for a while, but now it’s become necessary. Things are happening, and March is here, and we’ve got two planets—who are friends with each other—stuck in uncomfortable positions. They are in bad placements. One of them is leaving at the end of the month, but the other is staying there for seven years.

They also happen to be the two most important planets in my chart, so I’m all the way invested (and very much crying).

What are the states of a placement?

Quick lesson on placements. Not every planet likes being in every sign, and some combinations are good, some are very good, some are bad, and some are very bad. Here’s what’s up.

  • Dignity: A planet is in its home sign. Like Mercury in Gemini. It’s a happy, comfortable place, and the planet’s power is strong.

  • Exaltation: The planet rejoices in this sign. It can access its highest powers.

  • Detriment: In its detriment, a planet is uncomfortable and cranky. This sign is always the opposite of its home ruler.

  • Fall: The planet is literally falling down in this position. It’s like drawing an upside down tarot card—the worst qualities of the planet come out in this environment. This sign is always the opposite of the exalted position.

Here’s a little chart I drew up of everyone and their respective positions, and it’s bumming me out that no sign is exalted in Gemini. We’re such scattered, flimsy messes that we don’t lift anyone else up to their higher potential? We’re air signs, we’re all about operating at a high level! I never realized this before, and I’m so, so grumpy about it.

What’s so bad this month?

Two big things are happening in March:

  1. Mercury is going retrograde in Pisces from the 5th to the 28th, so basically the whole month.

  2. Uranus is moving into Taurus on the 6th until April 25, 2026, so basically the next seven years.

Did you see that both planets are in their FALL? Now that you know what that is, you can join me in being highly concerned.

First, Mercury. Mercury is my baby, the ruler of my sign and the guardian of all communication. I like to talk, and Mercury in retrograde tends to ruin that for me (and for us all). He’s mental energy, and I like mine to be sharp, stimulated, and nimble—not confused, unfocused, and stuck. But not only is he all of those things while in retrograde, he’s in Pisces—watery, intuitive, deep Pisces. Pisces is a wave of emotions crashing down on his head, overwhelming him, and undermining his gifts for elocution and storytelling. Pisces can storytell too, but in a completely different genre. This renders Mercury speechless. This is Mercury retrograde and stuck in his feelings.

Image result for kiki do you love me gif

Now, Uranus. Uranus is said to be the higher octave of Mercury, taking his gifts for wit and intellectual insight and elevating them to the level of a genius and a revolutionary. Mercury’s winds of change are transformed into tornadoes of decimation under Uranus’s domain—and they have the power to transport us to Oz. Uranus can move us from black and white to color when we didn’t even know such a thing was possible. So these two have a relationship, and I pay attention to how they are working together.

This month, Uranus is moving out of fiery, innovative Aries for a long, long time and settling down into earthy, solid Taurus. It’s an odd couple pairing. Uranus wants to break systems and doesn’t care about the collateral damage—anything for the cause!—while Taurus finds value in old things, keeping them around to serve their purpose, forcing them to commit. Uranus is stubborn but doesn’t mind breaking a contract or two—it’s the planet of divorce, after all. Taurus, however, never changes. They find something that works and they nurture it until it’s grown. They care about the consequences, because it’s their skin in the game.

This means a few things. We’re going to feel the battle between progress and tradition, and neither will completely overtake the other. All the changes that have occurred over the past seven years will finally stick, and we’ll have to see them through to fruition. We’ll have to commit and deal with the consequences. Any big ideas that do survive will have material impact. We may see more natural disasters, as Taurus is an earth sign. This is climate change. Our planet is quickly becoming inhospitable to life, and nothing short of a political revolution (could be peaceful but will need to be a radical change!) will be strong enough to turn that tide. The very idea of a Green New Deal is a (hopeful) representation of Uranus in Taurus.

Uranus is all about reinvention

Image result for madonna reinvention gif

Seven years is an era. It’s about how long it takes for you to reinvent yourself, and as soon as I said that to myself, I remembered that Uranus is the planet of invention and reinvention. Of course. After seven years, you realize you’ve replaced so many of your own floorboards that you’re a new ship. Seven years is when you’re due for a rebrand. Seven years is when a decade actually turns. Seven years is the start of a new chapter.

Uranus moved into Aries on March 11, 2011. It moved into Taurus last year on May 15th, and then quickly retrograded back into Aries. On the 6th, it’s in Taurus until 2026.

Think about what you were doing in 2011. Think about last May and realize that you may have experienced a preview of what’s to come. Nothing big is going to happen on the day (not necessarily). But this transit means we’re going to be feeling Uranus nudging us into our future, whether or not we like the direction. We may not like it, but that’s where we’re going. Taurus wants to keep everything just as it is, but Uranus is obsessed with the future and psychotically optimistic. He has no feelings for anything left behind, only allegiance to the bright new world he’s building. Even if it feels like he’s destroyed your life (me, me, this is me), you’ve got to trust in his vision. You may not understand (he is a genius, after all), but he is leading us all somewhere better. Whatever. I hope he saves the planet.


I’m painfully aware that I’m overdue on March ‘scopes for subscribers, and I’m working on it! I aim to get them out before the new moon on the 5th. Thanks as always for your patience with these.

The winner of Pisces season is Pisces! 👑🐟

And there's literally a full moon tomorrow... ❄🌕

Hello new subscribers, and welcome to I don’t believe in astrology, a newsletter for people who believe in astrology.

This is me embracing (and kissing) that contradiction.

For those new to the program, I send this out semi-regularly to give an update on what astrological news is about to devastate or delight us. And then I muse on how impossible it feels to depend on planetary bodies millions (at least?) of miles away.

This issue I have some pressing business coming up you should think about:

Pisces season is here TODAY! 🎉 It heralds the last gusts of winter as it fights for its life (and also prepares to die). Pisces season is what happens when all the optimistic theorizing of Aquarius gets put into action, and we see how it makes us FEEL. Pisces season is about winter and tears mixed together. This is NOT the time of year to sleep on your self-care. I’m not just talking gummy vitamins and lavender candles (although, absolutely), I’m talking about going to the dentist. I’m talking about checking on your blood cell count. Or getting that vision test. (These are all reminders for myself, and I need to do them.) Also, every Pisces is psychic (factually not true, and yet it is), and their powers only grow with the season. Go easy on them, and don’t ask for much emotional or psychic labor from them at this time.

Full moon TOMORROW! The Cold Moon in Virgo is a cold bitch, opposed by both Mercury and Neptune. Mercury is our ability to reason our way out of problems, and Neptune is the planet of intercepting reason with dreams and addictive substances. This means deception and delusion will be especially powerful. Not my cup of tea as a rational Gemini! (Or as anyone.) Beware of slick and charming narcissists. Beware of people who are unkind to themselves because they will be unkind to you, too. It’s not personal, but please protect yourselves.

Tiny plug, but I co-wrote a piece in the New Yorker with my friend Ysabel on alternate definitions for the phrase “wintry mix,” which is inadvertently very relevant to Pisces themes.

A Pisces is just a mermaid in a bathtub drinking a glass of wine, keeping both her halves wet. May we all behave accordingly. 🧜‍♀️🍷🛁

Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf Blood Supermoon?

It's here it's here it's here 🐺🌕♌

Hi, there’s a big full moon tonight that peaks at 12:16 a.m. ET! And I can’t stop thinking about this Pocahontas lyric even though she’s talking about a Blue Corn Moon which is a different moon happening way later in the year.

Image result for pocahontas blue corn moon gif

ALSO: Maybe we shouldn’t be calling it a Wolf Moon at all, since it’s an oversimplification of its native roots. Need to do more research.

But to recap, this moon is:

  1. A full lunar eclipse,

  2. which means it’ll scatter reddish light into the sky, making it a blood moon,

  3. and it’s also at its perigee, the point closest to the earth, so it’s going to be huge—thus, a supermoon.

  4. And it’s in Leo, so it’s kind of a lion, too. So it’ll be dramatic and extra and probably win Best Actress at the Oscars.

To compound the issue, we have tense oppositions and painful squares all day leading up to it, just to ensure the most possible amount of stress!

  • The moon in Cancer is opposing both Pluto and Mercury, both in Capricorn. So emotions will be at war with our deepest desires and our minds. Cool!

  • The Cancer moon will square off against Uranus in Aries, the planet of shocks and surprises. Those surprises can always be good, but when it’s forming a square to your moon, it probably won’t feel very welcome today. You could say or do something you regret—or someone else could. Given that these are both in cardinal signs (Cancer, Aries), this square could manifest physically. So take care of your bodies today!

  • Right before the full moon starts, Venus in Sagittarius will square Neptune in Pisces. Those are planets we prefer to be working together, as they both rule beauty, art, and glamour—and Venus specifically rules diplomacy and peace! We need diplomacy and peace right now! But our capacity for all of the above (creativity, aesthetics, peacemaking) will be diminished.

I already feel personally attacked by this moon.

Image result for raise your hand if you've been personally victimized gif

Here’s, briefly, how it will affect everyone else. Good luck!


The Wolf Moon will raise issues with anyone you’re dating, your kids if you have them, or creative projects that mean a lot to you. Think back to the blood moon of July 27th. Whatever was messing with you then will reemerge.

♉🐂 Taurus: HOME.

The Wolf Moon will strike close to home, meaning something in your domestic life (the people you live with, the house itself, your sense of well-being at home) will be up for review—and it will be painful. This day is the opposite of hygge.


The Wolf Moon may inspire arguments with siblings or friends, horrendous delays in your normal commute. If you’re married, this could be a tense day between you. It’s an intense supermoon, and being a lunar eclipse, its results can affect the next six months. Choose your battles wisely.

♋🦀 Cancer: MONEY YOU MAKE.

The Wolf Moon hits you in your house of income, and it’s in bad angle to your career and marriage houses. If you’re splitting up with a spouse or a business partner, this could be a day you really feel the loss of it, whether or not it literally translates to lost money.

♌🦁 Leo: YOU.

The Wolf Moon hits in your sign, Leo, so it could indicate turbulence in your marriage, or simply with your own happiness with yourself. Whatever issues arose during the blood moon on July 27th will reemerge. This ends the series of eclipses in your sign, thankfully, so the closure with this one should be real.


The Wolf Moon is sending turbulence to the most intimate, interior part of your chart. If you are in therapy, today is a good day to go. You may feel defeated for no reason, or perhaps you did uncover deception from someone close to you. Think back to the blood moon on July 27th for clues to what issues will be raised with this one, and then prepare accordingly.

♎⚖ Libra: FRIENDS.

The Wolf Moon may stir up drama with friends or any organizations you belong to. It may not even have anything to do with you—it could be the misconduct of a peer that affects you and your group deeply. You could also potentially have major conflict with your spouse if you’re married. It’s a tough day, and it will be reminiscent of whatever drama was unfolding around the blood moon on July 27th. This one should finally put the issue to rest.

♏🦂 Scorpio: CAREER.

The Wolf Moon might bring up an issue related to your career or your public profile. Think back to the blood moon on July 27th—this one will bring up similar issues. The good news is, this one will settle them for good. But it will be impactful, so brace yourself.


The Wolf Moon will screw up any travel you might have planned, especially if you were going somewhere with a significant other. It will be a tense and horrible day, and if you can stand being at home—or somewhere that makes you feel more like home than you home—go there instead.


The Wolf Moon could affect your partner’s (or overall household) income, which could make being at home feel difficult. Go for a walk or a drive to clear your head. If you recall the blood moon of July 27th, this is like part two of that.

♒👽 Aquarius: MARRIAGE.

The Wolf Moon is hitting you right in your marriage or business partnership. Remember the blood moon of July 27th? Similar issues are coming to the surface. They will be painful, and divorce or splitting up is definitely very possible at this time. No good news with this one, except that it’ll eventually be over.

♓🐟 Pisces: WORK, HEALTH.

The Wolf Moon will be tense not only for work in general (and possibly your health), but the kind of work that impacts your career at large. You could get very bad news or be put back on an assignment you really didn’t want the first time around. Think back to the July 27th blood moon; those issues are likely to resurface. And if you were fine then, you’ll probably be fine now.

Loading more posts…