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Sep 1September 2018
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Wednesday, September 19, 20186 likes

I don't believe in astrology #2

Venus is always a woman to me

Mars squared Uranus

Did you all feel that? Mars just made a nasty square to Uranus, bringing out the ill-tempered side of each planet. Mars is our anger and aggression, and Uranus brings shocks, surprises, and sudden discomfort.

It was never meant to be fun.

This summer, while Mars was retrograde (read about it), he backed up into this same aspect on May 16, and this is his final re-trace of those steps. Good. Bye.

It peaked at 7 p.m. tonight Eastern, so by the time this hits your inbox, you’re out of the woods. But if anyone had a night, that’s why. I’ve been avoiding a similar fate by hiding in my room writing this newsletter.


Venus retrograde

We all know Mercury retrograde. This summer we learned (the hard way) about Mars retrograde. Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto are all currently moving backwards, though the outer planets tend to affect society at large more than our individual little lives.

But we haven’t talked about Venus. She’s a close, personal friend and planet, and she’s going retrograde from October 5 to November 15.

That’s a long time.

Think about it: by Halloween, there will still be two weeks to go.

That’s the Empress card, which represents Venus. Tarot isn’t my witchcraft—it’s even less real than astrology!—but the Lumina deck is too beautiful for this world.

Look at her. Venus is a lot. She’s too much. She’s luscious, overflowing with desire. She covets. Her love is not the cool-headed, self-sufficient agapic love that belongs to Uranus. She’s hot with love. She’s hot, period. She’s petulant and unfair. She will make you queasy with jealousy then ask to borrow your car, and you’ll be like, “Keep it, I want you to be happy.” And she’ll say nothing, not even thank you, and you’ll shrug, like, “She’s so cute, that’s just how she is.”

I just realized, just now, that I’m writing an accidental pastiche of Billy Joel’s “She’s Always a Woman.” And it’s perfect because he is a Taurus, and Taurus is ruled by Venus.

Astrology is so real sometimes.

When Venus goes retrograde, her entire domain shuts down. That’s love, romance, sex, partnership, money, luxury, art, beauty, values, material possessions, etc. Here’s what you should and should not do:

  • Don’t buy new clothes. Do think about getting rid of ones you no longer like.

  • Rethink your ideals/principles. Maybe you’re wrong.

  • Re-use a Halloween costume or hurry up and think of one now.

  • Don’t get a haircut, a color, plastic surgery, or any cosmetic procedure. Do go to the spa and chill out.

  • Don’t spend too much money. Save your pennies in a gorgeous piggy bank instead.

  • Don’t talk to your exes. Do stalk them online.

  • Don’t court jealousy, and try to resist invitations to compare yourself to others. Close Instagram.

  • Don’t cheat on your partner or flirt with other people.

  • Do re-read your embarrassing thesis from college. Present it in PowerPoint at a comedy show.

  • Polish your old bits.

  • Tweet your drafts.

  • Don’t redecorate but think about it a lot.

  • Don’t provoke an Aries.

  • Don’t act like an Aries.

  • Accept division and do not try to force peacemaking. You will not realize it, but you’ll end up being an oppressive, condescending tyrant, no matter how pure your intentions. Try your best to live in the discomfort of alienation and isolation, because it’s good practice for the rest of your life.

  • Be your own partner, and be a good one.


Libra season is here to make us basic

In a few days, on September 22, the sun enters Libra… which is ruled by Venus... which is going retrograde until November 15. That means nearly all of Libra season this year will occur under the aesthetic tumult of its own planet in retrograde.

Libras, this doesn’t mean you won’t hook up and fall in love—it’ll just probably be with the wrong person.

You’ll still end up learning something. And you’ll probably replace that crush with several others over the course of the month.

Libras embody the words “basic” and “bitch.” Libras love art and are one of the most aesthetic signs, so they can be haughty and condescending (read: bitchy).

But they’re also more desperate to be popular than almost any other sign, so they tend to channel their sophisticated taste into art that plays well to mainstream audiences (read: basic).

And that combination is precisely why they tend to get paid.

Libras have the best instincts in the zodiac for marrying commercial and artistic success. They know what’s good and what sells. Even better, they know how to partner with the right people to amplify their work. These folks aren’t interested in slow, organic growth; they prefer to build their empires through strategic M&A and lucrative partnerships.

While Libras have a reputation for being mushy romantics (and they are), they can also be quite cold. They are the only sign with an inorganic symbol, the scales. Everyone else gets a human or an animal. They may love partnership, but they can also be ruthless, cold, and unyielding—like justice. For all their famous indecision and waffling, they are steel at the core. And that comes in handy when you are climbing any kind of ladder.

Because I know Libras love celebrity culture (either openly or secretly), see below for some famous people who are such Libras:

  • Kim Kardashian

  • Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

  • Gillian Jacobs

  • Roxane Gay

  • Ta-Nehisi Coates

  • Gwyneth Paltrow

  • Donald Glover

  • John Lennon

  • Hasan Minhaj

  • Big Edie Beale

  • Kate Winslet

  • Serena Williams

  • Avril Lavigne

  • Eminem


Don’t forget to do your Virgo

Just because we’re waving bye to the zodiac’s wise little crone doesn’t mean we should stop doing her bidding. If we want hot careers and hot bodies and to brag like a Leo about everything we do, we have to maintain the lessons Virgo wanted us to learn. Virgo is all about habits—you can’t do them once and for all. We have to keep doing our Virgo.

I don’t know what yours is, but here are the good Virgo habits I’m trying to carry into Libra season:

  • Get enough sleep. Say goodbye to the blue light screen and the blue corn moon and all your friends on text who don’t care that you’re going to bed. Whenever you’re locked in a battle between work and sleep, choose sleep.

  • Don’t get locked in battles between work and sleep. Choose work over the internet.

  • Do 20 push-ups in the morning if you can. If you can’t, do 20 of something, even if it’s just prayers.

  • Go for huge walks.

  • Write something every morning, even if it’s a stupid tweet.

  • Don’t eat too much or too little.

  • Don’t stress out about food. If you’re exercising and you listen to your body, you’ll be fine. (Contradicts the above, I know. I don’t know what’s going to happen.)

  • Don’t overspend if possible.

Bonus for Virgos: In case you missed it, I ranked the signs in order of romantic compatibility for you on PureWow.

Paid subscribers are getting October horoscopes next week, so if you want to be one of those people, think about signing up below. It also gives you the chance to schedule private readings with me.

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If there’s something you’d like to know more about, comment and I’ll answer it in an upcoming issue. Share this newsletter if you like it and think others would, too!

A newsletter for people who believe in astrology